M@re Nostrum

Things Your Diving Instructor
Didn't Tell You!
A selection of Rick Delphi's diving parables ©

  • Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
  • People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
  • Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
  • Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
  • Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
  • Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
  • Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
  • People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
  • Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
  • Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
  • How to avoid shark attacks:
    • Never Leave Kansas
    • Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
    • Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
    • Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
  • Buddies are never where you need them to be.
  • You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
  • 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
  • One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
    • Acid
    • Marijuana
    • Black Russians
    • Prosaic
    • Sleeping Pills
  • You can spot divers by:
    • Funny Tan Lines
    • Big Watch
    • Says "Huh" alot
    • Bad shocks and springs in car
    • Scars from trigger fish bites
    • Expertise on anti-histamines
  • You can spot old time divers by:
    • Funny Tan Lines
    • Big Expensive Watch
    • Old Jeep with bad shocks
    • Log Book has volume number on cover
    • Deaf in at least one ear
    • Has multiple scars.
    • Has cylinders older than you are
    • Talks about making their first wet suit
    • Dive gear is faded
    • Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
  • You can spot newbie divers by:
    • Sunburned
    • Timex Watch
    • Nice car
    • Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
    • No diving related scars
    • Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
    • Equipment looks nice
    • Perfect hearing

Good Things to say to Students or Things Instructors Say

  • Welcome to the foodchain folks, you are no longer on the top!
  • So what's your point?
  • Ah, we did cover this in class didn't we?
  • What part of this did you understand?
  • No, descending butt first is not acceptable
  • You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
  • I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you
  • Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job
  • I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
  • Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
  • What do you mean you always bleed like that?
  • You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
  • No, this isn't all I do for a living
  • Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?
  • No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..BTW, what did you say you did for a living?
  • Don't worry about this dive UNLESS..______ !
    (fill in from below)
    • You hear the theme music from JAWS
    • You see someones foot hanging out of a fish's mouth
    • All the fish on the reef disappear
    • You see the boat pass you going down while you're on the anchor line.
  • You know your too deep when I start looking good
  • You know you need to lose weight when remore' and pilot fish start hanging around you.
  • You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you can't complete a beach dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks keep pushing you back in the water.

Things Dive Masters Say

  • I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!
  • To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:
    • Can I help you with that mam?
  • To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard
    • Looks heavy dude!
  • You should've been here last week, the visibility was great
  • You didn't see the whale shark?
  • This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks

Things Store Owners Say

  • REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!
  • Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there
  • As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like hell!
  • Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what else do you want?
  • I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes
  • I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips
  • I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales
  • Sorry about the problem with that check
  • Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself. BTW, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!
  • Let's see, that will be $3,289...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be $3,292.45!
  • If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
  • It's the instructor's fault
  • Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?
  • Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take another class?
  • You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional monitor

Things Divers and Customers Say

  • Yeah, like I was in the SEALS, but I can't find my card
  • You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in mouth manditory)
  • Can I be certified by tonight, I'm leaving for Cancun tomorrow
  • My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a discount?
  • I never had this problem before
  • Can I hold your hand during the dive?
  • Are you married?
  • What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
  • I hate your guts
  • Thank you very much!

The Great Lies of Scuba Diving

  • Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
  • Diving is perfectly safe!
  • Nah, you don't have to be a good swimmer to dive
  • You can learn to dive in just three days!


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Última modificación: 01 enero 2024 10:18

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